How To
by Smoe
Summary: A bunch of How To short storiesdrabbles, Fullmetal style. Pretty much all dialogue, so fuel up those imaginations, fan girls and boys. Mainly centered on Envy and the tragicly dramatized Sins. So, so abused.
1. Humonculus

_How To 'Make a Humonculus'  
_By Dante and Envy  
---

"That's disgusting."

"Shush, Envy, you were like this too."

"That's worse. That thing there's just disturbing."

"And that is why I'm straightening her out."

"Her? It's a /her? Didn't you learn with Lust?"

"Envy, be nice to your sister.."

"She is not my sister! She stuffed my head into a duct! I remember!"

"Of course you do."

"And they all wonder why I wear headbands.."

"It's not disgusting."

"Yes it is. That, my Master, is a freak of nature. And what is it doing? Is that thing /whining?"

"M-hm."

"Gross. Ugh, what if I start transforming into it?"

"Her."

"I refuse another sister."

"Mhm. Envy, hand me that."

"Uuuugggghhhh."

"Shouldn't you, like, help out Greed before you do that?"

"Envy, stop thinking with a sick mind. I have to do this."

"Well, you could let /IT/ rot-"

"Her. And no I couldn't."

"Yeah, you could. Let me show you how-"

"Envy, hand me that over there."

"... What the hell are you doing with a wrench?"

"Just give me it."

"OW. FUC-- Who are you, Pride with a boomarang! Damnit, that hurt!"

"Stop whining, you're already healed. Geez, someone'd think you're alergic to these."

"Hit me with a freaking wrench.. I'll show you.. With a /wrench/.."

"Stop mumbling, Envy, and give me the stone. She's almost ready."

"No- it'll probably do just what Lust does. I REFUSE A SISTER."

"You don't get to decid."

"This thing is disgusting. In fact, everything around here is gross. That rock, the grass, the tree, that house, that house, really those people-"

"Envy! Shush. And you didn't have to shape shift just to hand me it. It's an incomplete, you wouldn't have gotten anything from it anyway."

"I've become quite attached to my current pebbles, thanks."

"Stones. And yes, yes, right.."

"She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes..."

"Shush! Envy! Oh, now look what you did."

"Haha. It'll be nasty now, just like it's supposed to be."

"She.. Er... Envy, stop poking over there and hand me that again."

"I'm not falling for it, damnit!"

"Get out of the tree, Envy, and continue watching."

"Old lady. Squirrel. Acorn. Old lady. Chipmunk. Old lady. Little brats. Old lady. A suit of armor. Old lady. Squirrel."

"That's nice.. Wait, what?"

"Old lad-"

"No. Did you say suit of armor?"

"Yea."

"What's going on, Envy?"

"Some old geezer is talking to a brat and a suit of armour. A one legged one armed brat. This late at night."

"Well, she's almost done. We just have to-" Crack.

..Silence..

"One word, Envy. One word."

"Nassssteeeee."

Thus, therewere many reasons to why Envy hated pain, and Sloth just wasn't /right./

* * *

Haha. This was sorta just.. there. I was bored, and well, I've always wanted to do a ..uh.. "Booklet" like this. And, yes, if no one figured it out, this is when Dante and Envy 'rebuilt' Sloth. Or at least, my thinking of how they did it. Don't trust it. Yes, all chapters will be pretty much all dialogue. 


	2. Get Enlightened, Tree Style

Warnings: Jabs at religion.  
_How To 'Get Enlightened'_  
By Ed  
---

"Brother, what are you doing?"

"I'm getting knowledge."

"By sitting under a tree?"

"Yes, Al. By sitting under a tree."

"A tree?"

"Yea."

"... A tree?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to get enlightened."

"... Under a tree."

"Mmhm."

"Right. Well, Bro, I'm going to go help mom.."

---

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"Gettin' knowledge."

"Well, stop it, you'll get your new pants all dirty."

"I can't stop, mom! I need to get enlightened!"

"It's almost night, Ed. Come inside."

"Enlightenment!"

"Bed time! Move it, soldier."

"No. I need to be ennnnliiiightened."

"... By sitting under a tree?"

"Yea?"

"Why do you need to be enlightened, Edward? Can't you try to read more of your father's books?"

"'Cause one book said this'll work."

"What book, Ed?"

"I dunno. Some history book. Don't know why dad has to, though..."

---

"Brother, are you still here? Aren't you hungry?"

"Can't be hungry, Al. I need to stay here until a little green man plays a very badly tuned guitar. And get enlightened."

"Under a tree. Right."

"Right. Enlightenment, Al, enlightenment."

"You're scaring me.."

"Shush. I need to listen for that little green man."

"MOM! Ed thinks the grass is gonna give him stuff!"

"Naw, that's for the /other/ books. Like the one with the Moo and Gee guys. And all their little green men with pigs and health signs."

-----

Sorry it's short, and with very bad puns.. Not to mention I probably insaulted alot of people. Sorrysorry. Don't hurt me. I knoooow I'm taking a giant jump at this chapter, but I just can't help myself. I promise the rest will be.. more.. conversed? Yea.  
;-- Smoe the Digiloser


	3. Burn them Grapes

_How to 'Burn Grapes'  
_By Hawkeye and Havoc  
---

"What are you two doing?"

"Roy's burnin' a grape."

"I never knew that was possible."

"He's gettin' em back for those hangovers."

".. Sir, what are you doing?"

"... Holy shit, it's boiling!"

"Put down the knife, sir, and put out that fire-"

"-No! Keep it going, Roy, this is AWESOME."

"Stop egging him on!"

"This is sweet! Burn the grapes, Roy, burn theeeem!"

"I never knew grapes could turn black.. And those interesting bubbles, too.."

"Whoooa..."

"Cackling sounds. Sir, I think you should stop, now. The Fuhrer was supposed to come- and you know fire isn't allowed inside of the building."

"I smoke."

"You go homicidal if you don't."

"Truth."

"..Sir, the Fuhrer is coming, please stop-"

"-Remove the evidence, Roy! Move move move!"

"Here he comes, boys. I had NO part in this."

"Get rid of it! Over here- the trash, not the plate!"

"No part.."

"Ewww, it's all black and smudgey now.."

"I know, Sir, but I'm not going to clean that up."

"Hurry- hurry- get rid of the spots. Gawd dang it, that's Hughes's plate, clean it!"

"..That's disgusting. Stop licking it, sir."

"I have no comment."

"Geez, Jean, if you egg him on then flip around and make him get rid of it.. What's that for!"

"I have a conscience, thanks."

"Really, though, I hate how you do that."

"...What's he doing now?"

"..I believe, he's getting the knife and fork.."

"..Roy, yo, Roy- just cut it, we don't have long. ...Haha! You can't cut it!"

"Fork first, sir. ..That's it. No, I'm not insaulting your cutting skills."

"..Is that possible?"

"Is frying a grape possible?"

"Good point."

---

"Hallo! ..Flame, may I ask, what is all that black smudged along your teeth?"

Definiation not in the Webster:

Grape: _n. _The wrath of hangovers.

------  
Me and my sisters actually did this. Just twekked it a bit. Yes, it is possible to fry a grape- I had a candle and a knife to do it. Then my mom caught us and.. well, yea, pretty much the out come the same as here.  
;-- Smoe the Digiloser


	4. Of Triangles and DressGuys

To Understand: This is a conversation that would undoubtfully go on if Wrath found the manga. So, yes, this is off v. 4 of the manga.  
---_  
How to 'make Sense'  
_By Wrath and Envy  
---

"So, what, he was daydreaming?"

"No."

"..Flash back?"

"Yes."

"But how can it be a flashback if the giant puppy was attacking him afterwards?"

"It wasn't a flashback. And the puppy is Gluttony."

"Then what was it?"

"..I dunno?"

"..Alright.. ..."

"Mhm."

"Envy, why is that guy talking all mad-like?"

"That's Kimbley."

"Who's Kimbley?"

"The guy with the triangles on his hands."

"Then who's the guy in the dress?"

"It's not a dress."

"It looks like a dress."

"It isn't."

"Well, he's now the dress-guy. ...So, is he daydreaming?"

"No. He's.. having a recall."

"Then why is that other guy attacking him?"

"Kimbley. Because he can."

"That's not a reason. Why's he attacking? And why's he all confused?"

"Wrath, everything in the earlier volumes just flew over you head, huh?"

"Why's triangle-dude attacking dress-dude? And what's all that have to do with a sewer?"

"It doesn't."

"Then why's it there? And who is that dress-guy?"

"That dress-er, that guy is the guy who's getting attacked."

"By the giant puppy."

"Gluttony. Yes."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"I'm no answering, Wrathie."

".. Why is that lady attacking the wall? What did it do to her?"

"Nothing."

"Then why's she attacking it?"

"Because she can't take her anger out on anyone else."

"Why?"

"'Cause."

"Alright, I'll nip. But what's this have to do with dress-guy and triangle-guy?"

"Dress-(snicker)-guy.. Dress-guy did something bad, so triangle-guy is trying to take him out."

"What'd he do?"

"Nothing, at that point."

"That doesn't make sense. Then why does Giant Puppy attack him?"

"'Cause he was gonna kill someone that Gi-giant puppy doesn't want dead."

"And the lady randomly blew up the wall?"

"Now you're getting it."

".. But I still don't see what this has to do with a desert and a rock."

"It's a flashback."

"So he was sleepwalking."

"No."

"Whaaat? Then what was he doing?"

"Having a daydream while he was awake?"

"Then why in the daydream is he all confused?"

"...Because?"

"... Sooo... ... What now?"

"Replay this to me, Wrath: What is in the flashback?"

"Dress-guy and Triangle-dude are dukin' it out."

"Yes'ur. Dr-dress-guy and ol blue hair are about to go at it. Now, what happens in the.. tunnel?"

"Giant puppy and original dress-guy are fighting.. ... AND THEN woman lady bursts in!"

"YES! Thank Gawd.. Alright, now what's happening?"

"Kid with missing tooth found Original Dress-Guy and helped him. Now they're eating. .. Fried frogs? ..And that kid is prodding his giant blowy-of-death arm?"

".. Sure. Sure, Wrath. Go with that."

_**Later that day..**_

"Miz Lust, why'd you have to hurt the wall? And what does a tunnel with near-dead guys floating in it, honest kiddies missing front teeth that poke defenseless people, a rock with blue haired triangles and a guy in a dress have anything to do with a Giant Puppy?"

".. What the hell are you talking about, kid?"

---

This is, again, an actual conversation I had when trying to explain the manga I read on the internet to my cousin. I couldn't help but crack up by an eight-year-old's termanology.It isn't very funny, and is confusing, but I just had to update. Don't you love my daily life? ... Peace, foo,' 'till next time.

**;-- Smoe the Digiloser**


	5. The Lust, Duct investigator?

**Ooc; **This is when Lust was first made, and yes, I killed her personality.  
---_  
How to 'Have a Proper Flashback'_  
By Envy and Lust  
---

"ACK! Who the alchemist are you?"

"Mhm, you must be Envy. I'm.. Lust."

"Obviously. Normal people don't look like that. I don't think even people on shows look like that."

"Don't bet me on that."

"Huh?"

"Nothing. ..So, Eeenvy, what are you doing in this -dusty- library?"

"..Uh.. Reading?"

"Reeeally?"

"..Yes?"

"You do realize that better things could be.. done in the time?"

"Miss the Lust, are you trying to seduce me?"

"Nooo, not at allll."

"What the hell."

"Alright, yea, I'll stop. But according to my memories, I'm supposed to be.. lustful?"

"That's wickedly.. weird. Sort of like a flashback?"

"Ew, no. It's not gray and white."

"You mean black and white?"

"No, gray and white."

"Right..."

"That ryhmned."

"Whatever. Go have your stupid flashback, The Lust, and leave me alone."

"I can't do that. See, there was this old lady and stones and.. it's very complicated."

"I'm sure it was."

"Mhm."

Pause."

"The Lust, could you please.. move away.. five.. what the hell?"

"Oh, this is Gluttony."

"Funny, I didn't know we had one of those."

"He's overlooked alot, I've been told."

"Would never guess how you could /overlook/ that thing.."

"What's that?"

"A duct. Very, very weird duct."

"..What's it do?"

"Uh. Move air?"

"Really."

"Yes."

"Positive?"

"...Uh. Sure?"

"Why not?"

"Huh?"

"Go check, it may not be what it seems."

"Yea, uh, whatever."

"Really, go see."

"... Dudett, it's only a duct."

"Check!"

"Fine, Miss Cow disease!"

Pause. Shuck, eyes peering through darkness.

"See anything?"

"Uh. No."

"..Now?"

"... No. Well, darkness isn't /anything/ is it? 'Cause that word really- FU-----!"

Snicker, scamper away.

"DUDE! MY HEAD! MY GAWD, THE PAIN! OWOWOWOWOW!"

Five hours later.

"Fu--ing... Owwww.."

Six hours later.

"Ya'know, spikes really /do/ hurt when they're soved into your motor coordinations(Uh?)... Owow.."

Suddenly, the darkness split into a stupidly bright light, and a certain palm-tree reject found himself staring at the ceiling.

".. Flashbacks aren't grey and white."

---

Ohmigeeeee, I'm sorry people! I just couldn't find anything to write about, or if I did they barely would make up for a fic. And this one is short, but my friend told me another good idea, so expect another chapter up real soon. Probably today. ..Anyway, yea, that was all a .. dream. Mmhm. ... Hi. It wasn't very good, noteven full dialogue, ik sorry.  
**;--; Smoe the Digiloser**


	6. Rugs are fashionable!

**Ooc; **Getting ready doesn't work if you're a teenage girl and a military boy. At all.  
---  
_How to 'Get Untackily Dressed'  
_By Winry and Edward.Gasp  
---

"You look fine, Winry."

"No, it's .ugh! Why am I even listening to you boys!"

"It looks _fine. _Trust me."

"Edward, it's tacty. Anyone can see what it is."

"It looks like straps."

"No it doesn't. You can see!"

"Just pull it up a little more."

"Stop looking!"

"Geez, Win. You ask for help, I'm helping you."

"Go.. go help Granny and Al."

"It looks. Like. Strapes."

"No. It. Doesn't. This isn't going to work. Oh my god, I'm changing."

"Wha-? Wait, let me get out of the room!"

"Hold on. You're tacky too! What are you going to wear? The red _rug _and _leather_?"

"It's a cloak, Win. And I like my clothes."

"Well, it's tacty. Change."

"You think everything's tacky. Weren't you going to change, though?"

"I would if you get out of the room!"

"Don't yell at me. What else am I supposed to wear, anyway?"

"What about.. your uniform? I've never seen you in one, actually.."

"NO! Besides, my uniform is.. uh.. all the way at central- I can't get it."

"Edward, I am _not _going with a tacty _dog _to a wedding! It's Udon's and Mel's wedding too. Look good! And they don't have any security, ya'know.."

"What are you saying, Winry?"

"Well, you always are traveling, need more money?"

"...No."

"C'ome on! You have to have a uniform with you! And what rank are you anyway?"

"...Majeer"

"What?"

"Major, alright? But-but I still don't have a uniform. So I can't do.. guard duty."

"Yeah, you will." /Sling./ "Right?"

"..Right."

Black and purple was so an untacky color, if Winry had something to say.  
-----  
..I don't know. Really. No. Clue. At all. I am so running out of ideas..  
**;-- Smoe the Digiloser**


	7. Just Because

**Ooc; **Poor Envy; given the job of explaining everything that's happened so far. Along with lab numbers. Besides, how /did/ Wrath remain unseen for those years by Izumi?  
---  
_How to 'Learn Math'_  
By Wrath and Envy**  
---**

"Why lab five? Why not.. ten? I mean, 'ten's' a cooler number. Better then five. Hey, do you think there are any other labs?"

"WELL, I DUNNO, let's THINK, for those who are able. What comes before five?"

"..Uh. Hi, who are you?"

".. And we're feared. Oh my gawd people are stupider then ever to be afraid of.. us."

"What does come before five, anyway?"

"Four."

"But isn't four after six?"

"No."

"Then why's it called four?"

"Because it can be, and because people are liking short lettered words for numbers."

"Huh?"

"Don't strain the mind, Wrath. Just try to be.. enlightened."

"That reminds me.."

"Don't go any further, alright? Now, back to the labs. Yes. We need to get this alchemist, we'll call him pip-"

"Envy, are people supposed to have fur?"

"Uh. No. ... Wait. That's hair, Wrath. Now pay attention otherwise I swear-"

"-Well, **I **think it's fur. Look at how fluffy it is. Think I can pet it?"

"No. LISTEN. Alright, so this pipsqueak guy, we need him, see-"

"Why would we need a alchymissus?"

"Alchemist. Alright, Wrath, ya'know, all you have to do-"

"Is breathe. Well, not really, because we don't _breathe _really. We don't need to. Isn't that weird that we don't have too? Everyone else does and I just find it strange that we don't need too when everyone else-"

"I heard you, Wrath. I'm getting sick of this. If you don't listen, I'm going to go shove you back onto that island we found you near."

"But then pretty-woman would beat you up."

"..That's why I'm dealing with this? I need a life."

"Do you want to talk about it, Envy?"

"Well, it's just, my mother posioned me. My father tried to- wait. What the heck? Where did you find glasses?"

"From that lady."

"Wrath, you can't just kill peopl- no wait. You can. Go ahead. Just listen. Listening?"

"Yes."

"Alright, so after we go to lab five-"

"Why five?"

"One two three four five- we're at five, alright?"

"Why not... ten."

"Because ten. Is. A retarded number."

"No it isn't."

"Yes, it is."

"I heard from this one guy that two plus two equals FIRE!"

"...You really are messed up."

"Math's fun."

"Two plus two doesn't mean fire. It makes four."

"Which comes after six. I know, I know, stop repeating!"

"Stop whining, you brat, and let's go get pipsqueak already. They're going to find those notes and we don't want that. They may stop."

"Why?"

"Why not? Humans are hating to kill each other like that."

"But they've done it before."

"I like those types of people. They never freak, which is good. We're off track, though. Just get to lab five-"

"Why five? Why not ten?"

"Because ten's to- UGH. That is IT. I'm shoving you back on that island. Yea, you better run!" Alone. Small voice," ... I hope you get hit by a freaking squirrel."

------  
Alright, I'm already running out of ideas. I have plenty, but they can't really make up as long a conversation as, say, one. And they just can't.. be funny, really, without ..I dunno. Something else. So, reviewers, request something, and I shall try to make it into a bouncey situation! Just give what 'how to' and two characters, plus a setting/time. Danke if you can. Otherwise, sorry for the -again- short chapter.  
**;-- Smoe the Digiloser**


	8. Ruggie

**Ooc; **Takes place when they're children. Sad excuse for a drabble.

---

_How to 'declare war'_

By Ed and Winry. With a guest appearance of Al.

---

"I own this rug."

"I thought you own the couch."

"I do own the couch."

"Do you own a universe?"

"Yep."

"What about the air?"

"Everything above is mine too!"

"What about under?"

"There is no under."

Rug is rolled over ontop. "Oh, oh!" Drops it, getting on.

"Hey, enemy attack! No attacks! Invasion!"

"C'ome, Ed, get up-"

"My ruuuug"

"Fine, if you own the rug, I get the rest of the room."

"My couch too!"

Music. "Look, I can dance all over." Lights flip. Compliants from the other occupents of the room(i.e. Al). "I own the lights too."

"Moving to my other space."

"Hey, that's my land." Al.

"Oh yea, this strip is Al's, no one touch it." Sarcasum.

"Hey, Ed-"

"Ack ack ack! Back, my space!"

"Hahaha-"

"This is a declaration of war."

---

This is the most retarded thing I've come up with. I feel for you all, but it's been too long since I updated and... yea. Sorry people. I swear the next chapter will be longer and better. Once I think it up.

**;--; Smoe the Digiloser**


	9. He knows

**Ooc; **The idea was taken from gribouille's drabble, only changed.  
---  
How To "Steal"_  
By Maes and Roy__  
---_

"I am very angry."

"I know."

"It drives me mad, you know."

"I know."

"It's irritating beyond belief."

"I know."

"Give it back."

"No."

"Yes. Now, Roy."

"No."

"No? Fine. I'm not talking to you."

"Alright."

"Never again!"

"Alright."

"I won't say another word to you, Roy. I'm serious."

"Alright. I get it."

"... Give it back."

"No."

"Roooy. I _need _it. It's part of my _life."_

"I know."

"C'ome on! Look, I'm sorry, but just -gimmie!"

"No."

"YES."

"No."

"Roy, Roooyyy, please?"

"No."

"No! But I said the magic word!"

"No."

"PLEASEEE. I'll never ever talk to you- or give you hair tips- again!"

"... No."

"Ugggh. Fine. I'm leaving."

"Alright."

"Bye! Never gonna see you again!"

"Alright. Good bye."

"... Please?"

"No."

"Fine. Be that persistant. I'll- uh- show Fullmetal those pictures of you and Riza doing the-"

Maes got a faceful of an old camera, and just caught the sight of a very, _very_ red man going back to work.

----  
Holy crap. This is a sad make up for the (month?) I've missed, but, yes. This was a bunny that couldn't be ignored.  
_;--; Smoe the Digiloser_


End file.
